Moms Helping Moms

I love it when moms help moms, sharing resources and tools to help you reach your mom goals.

A listener shared a quiz about parenting traits we’re diving into this episode.

Reviewing my quiz results is not about you grading yourself as a mom, but us growing together as we discuss these traits as tools to add to your mommy toolkit.

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Homework: The Five Love Languages Quiz

In today’s episode, I talked about why I’m recommending this quiz first. It’s been a game changer in my marriage and family.

To find out yours and your spouse’s love languages, take this couple’s quiz. If you’re a single mom, this one‘s for you, my friend. Kiddos up to age 12 would take this quiz, and your teens take this one just for them.

There’s no right or wrong here, just discovery. So keep it light and hAvE fUn getting to know yourself and your people.

Connect with Vanessa!

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Do you know why I call you Mama BARE? Because you’re unmasked and unapologetic in admitting motherhood is tough, and you appreciate conversation that honors that.

So, connect with me for more support, empowering the best version of you as a mom.

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Episode 29 transcript

What happens when moms connect and share resources. Great things of course! And today’s episode is evidence of just that.

Hey there Mama Bare! Vanessa here with compassion, candor and clarity for you, the mom who’s tired of pretending motherhood is easy peasy lemon squeezy.

You’re my kinda girl and I’m so glad you’re here.

So right off the top I’m giving a Mama Bare mention. A shout out if you will to…Tara Williams—a big fan of the Motherhood Unmasked podcast.

Fun fact: Tara and I go way back. We actually trained together.

So she’s not only been practicing a long time, she trains other pediatricians—so needless to say, she takes child welfare seriously.

And as a mom, herself, who gives guidance to her patients’ moms. It means a lot when she says this podcast encourages HER and spreads the word about it.

I say ALL that to say she contacted me after hearing the last episode focusing on intention, because it reminded her of a parenting quiz she took recently. And she wanted to share it with me.

This is the power of moms in community. Moms helping moms and exchanging resources. And a listener offering ideas for show topics.

By the way you can do the same thing.

You can send me an email or leave me a voice message at vinelifefaith.com/podcast.

I’d love to hear what mommy issues are on your mind, because they matter.

So, I took the quiz on effective parenting traits and my results were pretty much what I expected with a couple surprises.

Now what wasn’t a surprise, especially if you heard episode 28, is that intentionality is one of my strengths, but I certainly had my weaknesses.

And I thought discussing all the traits between today and the next episode would be fun.

Now here’s my disclaimer: I have not read the book the quiz is based on. So this is not a review of the book. And I’m not discussing the traits from his perspective.

I’m using the traits as jumping off points for conversation between us mamas about how these traits could equip us in meeting our mom goals.

But I will include the link to the quiz by Focus On The Family on the show page in case you’d like to discover your strengths and weaknesses.

So, there are 7 traits and since I already talked about intentionality I won’t beat that dead horse. I refer you to episode 28 for my thoughts on that.

In today’s episode we’ll tackle 3 traits and pick up the other 3 next time.

Now according to the quiz, love is as much a strength for me as intentionality—which did surprise me.

Not that I’m surprised I love my children, but based on my childhood, their knowing I love them is an area of insecurity for me.

If you ever heard of Gary Chapman’s the five love languages then you know that you only feel loved when someone demonstrates it in the way YOU perceive love.

So the more kids you have, the more variety in how people feel loved and the harder it is to ensure you’re filling everyone’s love tank to the degree they need.

So first let me let us all off the hook. Doing the best we can is all we can do.

Now, If you haven’t taken The Five Love Languages test, add that to your personal growth to do list—I just totally made that up but it sounds like a winning concept.

Anyway, find out how your people feel loved so you can make deposits into their love tank. And hey, find out what your love language is so you teach them how to love you too.

And then what? Do the best you can to love them in their language.

My parents didn’t speak my love language AT ALL. And I talked about those wounds in my book DADDY’s Girl Forever, but God made sure there were other people in my life who did.

AND with age and perspective I realized they loved me the best way they knew how and that’s the grace I pray my kids will extend to me.

So yeah, I was surprised I ranked so high on love but when I think about it, I’ve always been intentional—there goes that word again—about doing my best to let them know I love them BECAUSE it’s a need I’m sensitive to.

RESPECT is another one that I’m surprised ranked as a strength because while I do respect my kids value as persons with their own thoughts and opinions that I should give space to.

I don’t subscribe to the culture’s idea of respecting children as equals in every way because the reality is they’re not.

Physically, developmentally, socioeconomically—I mean the list goes on—they don’t share the same ability or responsibility as adults.

And yet as the equally valuable though most vulnerable in society, along with elderly, it’s incumbent upon you and I as moms to give them the respect they should expect from others.

So that looks like explaining the why behind your decisions when appropriate. Again there are times when you don’t owe or have time to give an explanation. They just need to do as instructed.

But as they get older, they NEED to know your rationale. It helps them learn to think through the why behind their whats in deciding what matters most to them.

Respect also looks like letting them be heard. Heard in a way that respects you, but heard nonetheless.

They need to know—what I tell you all the time—your voice matters.

Stating what’s on your mind and in your heart respectfully, is self-respect. And when you honor yourself, you’ll honor others.

Now according to my score, I’m decent at setting boundaries.

And not having read the book I don’t know what the author means by it but when I think of boundaries with regard to parenting, I think two fold.

Teaching your child to respect your boundaries and teaching them to create their own.

So for me as a woman a simple boundary for me is not letting people who just met me give me a nickname.

I know in some circles that’s commonplace and natural but to me it’s rude. When you ask my name and I tell you, that’s what I want you to call me. And if you’re around me long enough you’ll find out if you can shorten my name or make a cutesy version of it, but don’t take liberties not given to you.

Now as a mom, boundaries are like the bumpers on the bowling alley lane I mentioned last episode.

They are the operating guidelines you give your children that within them you allow age appropriate autonomy but if you jump the rails there will be consequences.

So there’s creating boundaries for them in terms of discipline but there’s also teaching them how to set boundaries in their own relationships.

You know in this COVID season you hear a lot about maintaining a bubble with people who are managing exposure risk similar to you so you feel safe hanging out with them.

But I’ve been working that bubble long before COVID.

For me it’s the personal space where I enjoy my own thoughts in peace and I’ve taught the people in my circle to respect it.

And that’s major in the times we’re living in where it’s easy to be accessible to any and everyone 24-7.

Because people without boundaries will have a terrible time respecting yours since they have no concept of alone time.

So it’s a life skill to teach your children to recognize how others are wired and to respect it.

My oldest’s temperament is heavy on the introvert so like me he needs time alone with his thoughts. That’s when he recharges.

So I had to teach his little sister to honor that and accept it when he says, “Not now, later.”

But on the flip side he doesn’t get to make later indefinite because he needs to engage with the people he loves and lives with.

And I’ll tell you what I notice about these parenting traits—which really apply to any relationship—I appreciate how they intersect.

If you don’t put any thought into how you show up as a mom, overwhelm will fill the void left by lack of intention.

And that stress makes it hard to love your kids and even harder to set guidelines for interaction.

HOMEWORK

This week’s homework is taking the 5 love languages quiz based on the book by the same name authored by Gary Chapman.

My husband and I read the book years ago in premarital class or as newlyweds and it’s been a game changer for sure.

I will include the link to the love languages quiz in today’s show notes at vinelifefaith.com/episode29.

I know I said I’d link to the effective parenting traits quiz today but I’ll put that in next week’s show notes.

It seems to make more sense to start with identifying love languages. Because if you don’t even know how your child feels loved, then you’re already taking the L aka the loss when it comes to effective parenting.

So this week let’s find out the love languages of everyone under your roof—starting with you girlfriend.

You know I’m all about securing your airway before you can secure someone else’s.

And it’s hard to give what you don’t receive—everyone needs love.

Thanks again, Tara, for the suggestion that kicked off today’s conversation.

If YOU have a topic suggestion for the show, let me know by email or voice message at vinelifefaith.com/ podcast.

Next episode we’ll cover the last 3 traits. They’re my weakest ones so that should be a fun time.

I hope today’s episode gave you some food for thought.

In general, I steer of books or programs that say you MUST parent this way or that because as I’ve said before, you are as unique as your child so there’s no one size fits all approach.

So I try to present key concepts more like the outline of a picture in a coloring book—letting you color it in based on the colors in your crayon box.

So have fun getting to know your people this week and remember, when it comes to you being the mother of your children—you are the woman for the job. Take care.

NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your health care professional for any medical questions.