The Myth of Having It All: A Reality Check for Modern Moms

In today’s fast-paced world, the idea that you can “have it all” is a pervasive myth that many women have been sold. The notion that you can climb the corporate ladder, raise well-adjusted children, and maintain a perfect physique all at once is not only unrealistic but also detrimental to our mental and physical well-being.

The Cost of Trying to Have It All

For every step you take up the corporate ladder, it often feels like you’re falling back in other areas of your life. Your children may be as anxious as you are, and your health might be suffering. The truth is, trying to do everything at once comes at a cost, and it’s more than you bargained for.

The Reality of Limited Energy and Time

We all have the same 24 hours in a day, and our energy is limited. Despite what superhero movies might suggest, we cannot be in multiple places at once. When you say yes to one thing, you’re inevitably saying no to something else. You can’t give your full attention to everything simultaneously without losing your mind.

The Struggle of Modern Moms

Many moms today are struggling because they’re trying to do too much. The pressure to excel in every area of life is overwhelming. Society has sold us the idea that we can do it all, but the reality is far from it. Our bodies and minds know that we can’t split our attention and energy without consequences.

The Importance of Making Choices

As a mom, you have to make choices. You can’t say yes to everything without paying a price. It’s essential to recognize that you have limited currency—your time and energy. You can’t invest in corporate ascension, raising well-adjusted children, and maintaining your health all at once. Something has to give.

Trust Me, I Know

I learned this lesson early in my life. As a physician and a mom, I had big dreams of impacting children’s health on a large scale. However, I realized that I couldn’t do it all. I had to make a choice to focus on my children and my well-being. It was a shock to my system, but it was necessary.

The Myth of Doing It All

The idea that you can do it all is a myth. Even if you see other women seemingly managing everything, you don’t know what they’re not telling you. Everyone has their struggles, and no one can do everything perfectly. It’s essential to be honest with yourself and recognize your limitations.

The Impact on Your Children

Your children need you. No one else can be their mom but you. The time and attention you give them are irreplaceable. Trying to juggle everything means you’re not fully present in any area of your life. Your children learn from you, and they need to see you prioritize and make choices.

Keep It Simple

Sometimes, more is just too much. Adding more to your plate isn’t the answer. Simplifying your life and focusing on what’s truly important can lead to a more fulfilling and peaceful life. It’s okay to say no to the machine of “having it all” and embrace a more balanced approach.

Let It Go

The myth of having it all is just that—a myth. It’s time to let go of the unrealistic expectations and focus on what truly matters. By making conscious choices and prioritizing your well-being and your family, you can lead a more fulfilling and balanced life. Remember, you are the best mom for your children, and that’s enough.

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Video Transcript

They lied to you. They told you that you could climb the corporate ladder while raising well adjusted children and have a snatched waist to boot. They lied to you because reality is for every step of the ladder that you’re taking, you’re falling back to rungs it feels like sometimes. Your children are as anxious as you are. And your waste is wider than ever. They lied to you.

And what it’s costing you is more than you bargained for. And now you don’t know how to get out of it. You bought into what they’ve sold you. What they try to sell all of us, that you really can do it all at the same time and you can’t.

You and I have the same 24 hours. We may have varying degrees of energy, but the energy is still limited. And despite what Marvel has demonstrated to us, we cannot be in multiple places at one time.

So when you say yes to one thing, you are saying no to doing other things at the same time, with the same intention, with the same investment, with the same energy. You’re saying no. You cannot say yes to everything all the time and not lose your mind.

A lot of us moms out here are not doing well. We’re not doing well because we really are trying to do too much. You know, our kids say that to us like “you’re doing too much.” And you know, we really are doing too much.

And you signed up for it because somebody said, “Girl, you could do it. You could have it all. You could do all the things, you could work that job. And your kids will flourish and…

You can do a lot of wonderful things sequentially.

Who am I to say this? Well, I’m the woman who had to figure this out really early. And when I figured it out, it was a complete shock to my system. Shock to my system—until I thought about it.

So, I was 30 years old when I got married. I was in the middle of my second residency. This was a preventive medicine residency. I’m a physician. I’m a Pediatrician and I’m a Preventive Medicine physician.

And I had all type of big ideas about how I was going to impact the health of children in this country on a large scale by being a part of policy change. That was the idea. And why not? Because us women were out here. We’re in the workforce. My mom is a nurse. I’ve watched my aunts be nurses. I’ve watched them be in the workforce and raise their children.

But when I thought about it. When I thought about it, like when God said to me. “You should really stop and take care of your own children.” I was like, what? Why? Why would I need to do that?

I’ve seen the women do all the things. Why can’t I do all the things? And then I thought about it. Did they really do all the things?

I thought about the amount of time I actually spent with my mom.

Now, I’ve talked on here before about the quality of our relationship, but I’m just talking about math. I’m talking about 24 hours in a day. How much time you’re working your shift or whatever your structure is. And if you’re corporate, there is no such thing as a shift.

You are still doing the work when you’re at home, when it’s the time that you would be “with your kids” because they’re home from school. So now you can give them your attention.

We’re not doing that. We are distracted with many things. We are consumed with many things, all demanding our attention, and we cannot split ourselves off and give the attention that all these things require.

They require but we can’t do it to our satisfaction, and we know that. Our bodies know that.

When you’re at your corporate job, your mind is wondering what’s going on with my children. It doesn’t matter that they’re in school. You’re wondering what’s going on with them at school. And while you’re wondering that, guess what?

You are not focusing on the corporate matters.

So, you’re not giving your full attention to any one thing, because your attention is always divided amongst many things. And we know that. You know that deep down. You know that.

That’s why mom guilt is more of a bear than ever now. Because we know that we are just piecemealing this thing together and that we feel piecemealed together.

Like if anybody pulls a string, we would just fall apart. We are feeling like that all the time. So, we just keep adding things onto our plate. And then we want people to accommodate our plates.

We want people to support the madness that we’re operating in. And the people that we want to support us are already stressed out themselves. So, at some point we have to accept the fact that there is a cost to saying yes.

And that you only have but so much currency. You can’t pay the cost to say yes to corporate ascension. And say yes to raising well-adjusted, healthy children. And say yes to paying attention to your health.

You’re not that great of a juggler, you’re not built for it, and there’s no shame in admitting it.

This idea that to be a “bad woman” means I have to be half dead, half crazy. It’s a lie. It’s a myth. And, and you can at anytime say I’m getting off this roller coaster. I’m done. And that’s going to cost.

Everything costs.

There’s no such thing as something for nothing. There’s no such thing. Every decision that we make, every life altering decision, is a life altering decision for a reason. Because it costs a lot.

It has to be weighed out; it has to be prayed about. It has to be deeply considered.

You can’t just get up and and decide you’re doing all the things. You literally don’t have enough time in the day and you literally don’t have enough energy.

I don’t care how many energy drinks; don’t care how many smoothies. I don’t care how many devices you buy your children to occupy them so that hopefully they don’t notice that you’re not around because you’ve got to be someplace else in the fifth meeting of the day.

Because if you don’t go to all these meetings, you can’t get the promotion that you have been vying for all this time and you’re going to get that promotion.

And so they’ll be OK for now while I go do this over here and everything is fine, everything is wonderful. It’s a lie. It’s a lie.

And you are battling depression; you are battling anxiety because you want something to be true that is not true. And because you have bought into it and you feel like you’re in too deep. You’re like, I got to keep this thing going. Somebody’s going to make this thing be true.

And I’m here to tell you. I’m here to tell you one mom to another, heart to heart. It’s not only true. No matter how we try to put it together, it’s not going to be true.

You have to make choices. Because at the end of the day, everything falls back on mom. Everybody’s looking to mom. Your husband’s looking to his wife, your kids are looking to you. Everybody is pulling on you. And that’s not going to change.

It doesn’t matter how many grandparents you bring into the mix, how many nannies, alternate caregivers. Doesn’t matter how many people you bring into the mix. Everybody is looking to mom. Everybody wants their Mama!

And for the season that your children are children. That’s who they’re going to want, and nothing else you put in place of you equals you.

And I don’t know when that became something to be despised or to look down on. I don’t know if you heard what I just said. Nothing that you can try to replace you with equals you.

And so I know that you are talented. I know that you are gifted. I am talented and gifted. I am talented and gifted. And I and I had to make a decision to put my talents and gifts to the side momentarily. So I could do this other thing that no one else can do for me.

No one else can be my kid’s mom but me. No one else can be your child’s mom but you. No one else. They need you.

I know it’s not sexy. No, it’s not exciting. Not in the way your job is, whatever high you get there. You know it’s not that kind of exciting, but you’re shaping a life.

You are giving them structure so that you can send them off into their great destiny.

That is no small thing, and it requires your attention. And for the delusion that people have sold that you can do all the things—you’re breaking down. You are suffering, and you’re suffering in silence.

Because heaven forbid if you admit this is too much. Heaven forbid. What would they think? What would they say?

If they had any courage, they’d say kudos to you. Kudos to you for telling the truth, for having the courage to say what the rest of us have been experiencing.

There is no way now that I think about it… Because the way I’m set up. That if I’m going to do a thing, I’m going to do the thing.

So, right now, I’m talking to moms who are serious about their business. Like if you are that corporate chick, that’s because you are serious about that thing and you have plans. You can envision yourself and you know how you’re going to make moves and what it requires and you’re willing to put in that work.

OK, I’m talking to those kind of moms who approach things like that in general.

The bottom line is you’re going to be phoning it in on something. If you’re in your corporate mode and you’re locked in there, you are phoning in everything else. And you’re thinking, hey, you know, they’ll be all right. I’ll get to them in a minute. I’ll get to that in a minute. I’ll workout at some point. I’ll fix myself a decent lunch at some point. I’ll just eat this real quick.

There’s only but so much time, and it’s not a failure to say that. It is acknowledging your design.

You know whether you are a Christian, like me, and you believe that there is one God who created the heavens and the earth, or you believe in evolution. One thing we agree on is that this whole thing was not built at one time, it was built over time. Even God took days to put this earth together. He could have done everything at one time. He did not.

Why would you think that I can do all the things at one time? Who told you that?

And now that you have tried it—because we know it sounded good so we tried it—now that you have tried it and you figured it out. Ohh, this is not what they said.

Girl, get off the roller coaster.

Stop going round and round and round the same roller coaster. I could not even imagine being a physician at the level that I want to be a physician and being available to my children, and make time for my sanity, my well-being, both mental and physical.

Now I have friends who did it. I have people I went through residency with and I watched them. I watched them on LinkedIn. I watched them on Facebook and I watched them tell their stories.

I also don’t know what they’re not telling me. What are they not telling me? What have they missed? What are they struggling with? What are their children struggling with?

See, nobody wants to make a video about that. They just want to tell you that you can do all the things and that everybody will be alright. Don’t worry about it. That it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. Actually, it’s about both, and your soul knows it. Your soul knows it.

And don’t and don’t be perimenopausal or menopausal and have brain fog and insomnia. Ohh don’t throw that in on top of trying to function at a high level in all the spaces. Come on, girl.

We have to be honest about these things. It is wearing us down. We’re not OK. You’re not OK trying to do all the things at once. And the people that you care about, they’re not OK either.

Because not only are they missing you when you are unavailable because you’re scatterbrained, trying to do all the things. They’re also learning from you about how they should live their lives.

That it’s OK to just be distracted.

You’re not living when you’re distracted, and you’re distracted when you’re doing too many things at once because the things that you’re not doing are still in the back of your mind while you’re doing this one thing that you think you’re focusing on. The other things that you know you are responsible for and to—you’re still thinking about them.

And you are silently lamenting, silently worrying, silently concerned.

What’s going on? How are they doing? How are they making do? Is it enough? Do I need more people in the village? How many folks can fit in the village? And who are these people in the village? Cause the people in the village have their own kids. They have their own issues and things going on.

We have got to simplify life. You know, sometimes more is just too much. More is sometimes just too much, and sometimes the answer is saying no to the machine of “you can do it all.”

You can’t.

You do it in stages. You do life in stages. Literally, there are stages to life. Follow that same principle in the way that you live your life.

You’re a baby, then you’re a toddler, then you’re an adolescent, then you’re a young adult, then you’re a mature adult, then you go into senior old age.

You’re not doing all these stages at one time, so why are you trying to do all types of things within each stage, at all times? You can’t. You have to learn how to say no to something.

So, I had to say no to a career that I knew what it would require.

And I mean what it would cost me, what it would cost my children. Throw in the fact that I’m a military wife. We’re retired now, but at the time all that military moving. I had to say no to something for my own sanity and for the benefit of those around me. I had to say no.

And I had to say no to something I had worked for, for years. Years. I had to say no to it. For my own good. For my own good. And it so happens that it has greatly blessed the people around me.

And does that mean that I’m not tired? No. I’m tired too. But imagine. I can only imagine how tired you are if you’re trying to do all the things. I’m doing some of the things, and it’s exhausting at times.

You’ve gotta learn how to say no. And you know, again, we get into things sometimes and we mean well. We are sincere. We think we really can do it. And when you find out. That in spite of all the devices you bought, in spite of having everybody in therapy, in spite of having everybody in every sport you can think of, in spite of every vacation that you try to plan so that everybody can decompress from their stressful life, at some point you have to realize that adding on is not the answer. Sometimes you have to subtract to really live and to really live in peace and to really live a life that you can enjoy.

Sometimes you have to subtract.

That’s what I’ve got for you today—a truth pill. It’s a tough one to swallow. It was a tough one for me to swallow over 2 decades ago now. And it’s gonna be a tough one for you to swallow, too.

But somebody’s gotta tell you the truth because they lied to you and for you to continue to embrace that lie. That’s going to continue to cost you. And I want you to flourish and I want your family to flourish. And I want you to enjoy the life that God gave you.

And so until next time, please remember. When it comes to you being the mother of your children, you are the woman for the job. That’s you. Do that thing. Take care.