When they say you can’t pick your family, it’s often about that embarrassing aunt or uncle or the cousin who asks to borrow money. 😂
But the truth is you can’t pick your children either and that’s the tricky part of parenting.
It’s a stretch to find the beauty in the uniqueness of each child, especially if you were tolerated more than celebrated growing up.
In today’s episode, we slay the cycle of rejection to embrace the truth that you were chosen just as you are. And yes, your kids too.😉
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EPISODE 56 TRANSCRIPT
Hi there and welcome. If you’re a mom who experienced childhood trauma and finds raising your kids challenging, even triggering at times—this podcast is for you.
There’s no vulnerability like being a child. In the best-case scenario, you place your trust in loving parents trying their best to raise you. In the worst case, you live at the mercy of people who brought you into the world but make their regret known daily. Either way, as a child, you fully depended on faulty people doing the best they knew to do.
But if you grew up in the unwanted category, you felt like a failure for never doing enough to change their regret.
One of the things I marvel at in children is how quick they give a parent the benefit of the doubt.
They’ll reinterpret words and actions of parents to assume the best of them.
When your mother tells you your father didn’t want any more children and would have preferred a boy, it angers you as a 15-year-old girl, but as a 5-year-old you try to explain it away or think it’s your fault you made mommy mad enough to say that.
It’s like your child brain can’t wrap your mind around someone you love, meaning such a thing.
But really, it’s your mom vomiting her insecurity all over you because she doesn’t have the tools or the courage to address her own daddy issues.
So you tuck her words away and work really hard to make your parents proud because subconsciously you believe you don’t deserve to be alive.
I don’t know what words made you feel insignificant, but no matter what that silly nursery rhyme says about sticks and stones, words can certainly hurt you.
Words have the power to build up or to tear down, to nurture life, or to destroy it.
So the teen girl is just as traumatized to hear the most important man in her life doesn’t value her development as a woman and his role in it.
And to hear it from the female who makes the biggest impression on her concept of womanhood.
It plants the seed of an internal critic chiming in with the culture’s message that your life and your contributions aren’t valuable.
Just when she’s figuring out who she is, she has to fight off negative narratives. And two against one is not a fair fight.
So, it’s no wonder I’ve struggled with mothering from a place of confidence with my daughter because as she grows, she reminds me of me at her age, growing up with a mother who treated me more as a prop than a person needing nurturing and development.
But my daughter’s worth the fight just as you and I are, because we are chosen—despite what the brokenness of the people called to raise us communicated.
No parent gets to order their child from a catalog according to the specifications that suit the parent best. That’s what makes parenting difficult!
More than stretch marks on your hips, children challenge you to stretch beyond long established coping mechanisms to meet their need and grow in the process. That’s the mission, but it’s up to you to accept it.
But the God who made you doesn’t have those issues. In his completeness, he chose you to be just the way you are.
And He made room for you to exist at this point in time, making sure you outswam the other sperm jockeying to fertilize the egg that became you.
You’re being here has nothing to do with your parent’s preferences and everything to do with God’s will for your life.
He has a purpose with your name on it and He used your parents—even their brokenness—to bring you to pass.
No matter what your father thought about you or your mother spoke over you, there is a Father who has plans to give you hope and a future.
And that’s the truth I drive into my daughter and her brothers regularly because I know their father and I make our fair share of mistakes. We don’t always convey their value as we should because we have our own issues we trip over.
So I need the intentionality of their existence to be a settled matter separate from the flawed people they call Mom and Dad.
And I make it a point to celebrate how God uniquely wired each of my children, especially my daughter, because I know the culture’s message to women is to conform to society’s standard for us at all costs.
It’s a message many of us buy into, understandably, for survival’ sake, which explains why my mom found the ways I’m different than her threatening, rather than intriguing.
But you deserve to embrace your authentic self. My daughter and I do as well. Why? Because you’re designed for your purpose, so living fulfilled is based on you owning your expression of God’s image.
You give your children a gift when you teach them to do the same.
And because mothers are more likely to nurture, if you have a daughter, be intentional about getting to know her, hearing her heart and sharing yours—even when it’s awkward.
Your relationship with her affects her esteem as well as her perspective on relationships with other females, including her own daughter, one day.
If you struggle with rejection and would like more food for thought on embracing that you’re chosen, check out the show notes for this episode at motherhoodunmasked.com/episode56.
You’ll also find the links to resources from licensed therapists as well as journals and other books I’ve written that offer hope for healing.
And something new I’d love to share with you is a prayer channel on YouTube sponsored by Vine Life Faith. The channel is called “Got A Minute to Pray?” and it’s where I pray for about a minute or so based on a Bible verse.
These short, powerful prayers are the perfect way to start your week aligned with God’s plans for you. And while I love long talks with Jesus, what busy mama doesn’t appreciate a way to nourish her soul when she’s on the go?
Get the deets on the prayer channel and more when you head to today’s show notes at motherhoodunmasked.com/episode56.
And until next time, as you ponder being chosen to be here for such a time as this, please remember. When it comes to you being the mother of your children, you were chosen for that, too. You are the woman for the job. I’m rooting for you. Take care.
NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in this podcast should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your health care professional for any medical questions.
Food for Thought…
You can’t give from an empty well. So if you’re used to being tolerated more than celebrated, you’ll need to be the mom you never had. Take some time for self-discovery aimed at nurturing how you see yourself, your self worth and expressing your unique gifts and talents. When you do it for yourself, you’ll be able to do the same for your kids.
Got A Minute to Pray?
New “PrayerTube” channel on YouTube
Features prayers about a minute long written and read by Vanessa. Start your week off right, with a prayer on Monday mornings. Because prayer changes things and you have a minute to spare.
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